It doesn't get any better...

The end of a day.  The end of a season and here we are marching steadily to the end of another year.

It doesn't get any better than this.  Better than today.  Nothing.  Better.  Period.

Filling my Soul/Emptying my Soul

Last night, I had the best sleep I have had since Mister was born nearly 2 1/2 years ago.  And this morning I am sad about it.  My normal sleep routine is to put Mister to bed around 8pm, if we are lucky, study or fold laundry, or dishes, or the myriad of other things that must be done to keep a house a home.  Then, bed for me around midnight or 1am.  By that time, Mister has crawled in my bed, sometimes after crying and wandering in for comfort, sometimes stealthily sneaking in before I can notice.  Either way, he is there and thus begins our in-the-dead-of-night ritual.  I am precariously positioned in the far 1/8th of my bed - he the Human Snow Angel, moving, twisting, flailing, and alligator-rolling all night long.  Then, up by 6am and on the go.

Last night was different.  Aiden had a sleep-over with his cousins because I was at symphony rehearsal with a new orchestra.  For some people, a good run fills their souls and for others a beautiful sunset.  For me, a good strong rehearsal and playing in the middle of simultaneous magic is one of the most spiritual experiences for me. I have played with several symphonies in the last 10 years, but this one is different.  Fantastic conductor, professional musicians, horrible chairs, but amazing cohesion like we were all meant to play together - not to mention great music.

It filled my soul.

But, when my soul is filled with this amazing experience, it also empties just a little because I didn't get to be with my Monkey during the tender moments of day's end.  It is what I love above anything else.

In the end, I realized that there is a part of me that is not defined by Aiden and that is a little difficult for me to handle.  While I love him more than my own life, there is a part of me that feels guilty about having interests that are outside of his sphere.  But for a short time - three rehearsals and a concert - it will be worth it.  Because before there was a "we" there was a "me" and it is about time I remembered that, even if it nearly kills me.