My Small Child

My baby child is growing up.  I still think of him as a baby.  It is true.  But today was a big, big step toward changing my perception of him.  Aiden refused - REFUSED - to go into his high chair.  I figured he wasn't quite ready for breakfast, so I put him down.  (Side note... I don't give into tantrums.  EVER.  This was not a tantrum.  This was an "I don't want to.  Please don't make me."  I just felt like he was asserting his choice, so... I let him choose not to eat.)  So, Aiden then climbed onto a big dining chair and sat politely at the table.  He looked at me with his gorgeous baby blues and said, "Yogurt, please."  (Okay, actually he said, "NNga, nnnns."  But I knew what he meant.)

So.  Aiden has outgrown his highchair.  Sad for Mom.  But also much fun because now he gets to be a big boy.  Big boy bed, big boy chair, is it wrong that I am really happy he is not potty trained?  That would just be too grown up for Mommy.

I know that it is not a high chair picture, but check out these honkin' feet!  These are his new(er) church shoes.  6 1/2!  The kid is still in 12 month pants!!!  

His new chair and his Mickey coloring book.  So big.

Milestones

No pictures.  Sorry.  Just honest conversation about a problem I have had since I was 11 years old.  I have been overweight for 4/5 of my life.   I have been VERY overweight for almost 18 years.  Considering I am only 32 (okay, okay, almost 33), that is a very long time.  After Aiden was born, I was at my heaviest.  There were many reasons why I gained a LOT of weight with my pregnancy, but I have had almost 2 years of excuses since then.    With the help of wonderful friends and family over the past 6 months or so (specifically my sister and my son's brother's mother... don't ask...) I have hit several milestones this past week.   No one can really see the weight loss yet, but I can feel it... just a little.  One frustration about being this big is that you have to lose lots of weight before it is noticeable.  

I am now thinner than I have been in almost a dozen years.  I have made huge life-changing corrections in my life including my routine, my grocery shopping, and my support system. I still have over 120 pounds to lose and at times it feels like an impossible task.  I have never been thin, so imagining myself at that weight is like trying to remember a name of someone you went to school with.  It is right there... you can almost think of it...  just out of reach.  Honestly, there is a whole lot of mind-altering stuff I am going through.  Believe it or not (and this is a very HONEST blog.  I am putting myself out there... really out there and vulnerable...), the thought of being below 300 pounds was very scary for me.  Over 300 has been my identity for so long.

Let me explain.  I remember the first time I really recognized being at 300.  This was about 6 years ago.  I remember it because I decided this is when I would get a personal trainer.  During our initial consultation, he had me weigh in and my weight was 300.1 pounds.  I remember the look on his face.  His response, "well, you hide it well."  Um... Thanks.  I guess.  I felt horrible about it.  I stayed for my 12 visits, but never really enjoyed it and never lost an ounce.

Part of me doesn't quite know how to identify myself unless I make fun of my weight, laugh about it with my friends (especially one friend who is in my same weight situation.  Love ya tons, by the way...).  Fat jokes are really hilarious to people who are overweight.  If you are not overweight, then a fat person doing a visual of trying to get into an airplane seatbelt just isn't that funny.  If you are overweight, your belly will shake like a giant bowl full of jelly.  You see?  I can't help myself.   

I thought of making a bumpersticker...  "It's a fat thing.  You wouldn't understand."

The reason for this post is not to get Kudos.  Exactly the opposite.  It is a preemptive apology.  Please excuse me if I get overly excited about my new "skinny" jeans that are really 10 sizes bigger than you may currently wear.  Please excuse me that I may be frustrated when I can't eat what everyone else eats.  Please forgive me for not knowing the upcoming ME.  I don't know how to be thinner than I am at this exact moment.  I don't know this person I am becoming and it is a terrifying process to be reborn.  I don't know how to shop at normal stores.  I don't know how to move the way a thinner person moves.  I don't know what I will be like.  Please excuse me while I figure all this out.  Please be patient with me.  

Oh, but the one thing I can picture is a little 5 year old Aiden running up to Captain Mickey and giving him a huge hug.  You see, my goal has always been, from the beginning of this journey, to take Aiden on a Disney Cruise when he is 5 or so.  And I will wear a bathing suit.  And I will go down the water slide with my son.   And I will go up the rock wall with my son.  And I will look fabulous.

And when you come into my home and I have Mickey Mouse ears all around my house, please know they are reminders to me of being around for a while to be with my son and do those things with him in a happy, healthy, and actively participating way.  

Okay, so maybe one picture...