Overwhelmed

Yesterday was Mister's birthday and I could not bring myself to blog about being anything but so happy - because I was happy, so happy that it was my little man's special day and that I was surrounded by my family.

But today I am overwhelmed.  Frustrated.

I was in a situation yesterday that is the one every woman dreads.  Car problems... rush hour traffic... Backed up freeway... 100 degree heat.  It was my son's birthday and I was having horrendous guilt about being away at something as trivial as work.

As my car began to stall and sputter, my brother, Chris, called to check in on my day.  He had no idea what a "tender mercy" it was for his call to come at the exact moment I needed him.  And he listened to me try to pull my broken car to the left side of the road and listened patiently as I lost control and cried.  And cried. And cried.

Then my sister called and I cried.  And while I talked to her, Chris called yet another sibling to come and rescue me.   And my sister listened to me cry more and listened as I had guilt for my son who couldn't even have his mother with him on his birthday.   They both called back and forth and listened to me, hot and frustrated, until Bret came.  Risking his own life in a very scary situation, he worked and magically got my car to a safe spot.  Siblings came to my rescue.  Chris lent me his car with not a second thought.

And in that moment, I realized that no matter how independent you think you are, you can not do it alone.  And when I cried and was not understandable through the tears, they listened.  They understood.

So, today, a $500 car repair later (taken from the savings I am trying so hard to build up), I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Financially, physically, emotionally.

I read an article somewhere that said that every working mother feels bad about leaving her family to work.  "Feeling bad" doesn't begin to describe how much I hate leaving my son.  Tonight we played with his new birthday toys until his eyes would not stay open any longer.  I mourned that a year in our life together is already gone.  We played hard.  We drove trucks up and down the carpet, we blew bubbles, and read stories.  He wanted kisses over and over.  It was a night that touched my heart.

So I am overwhelmed at times doing this alone (which I chose... knowingly), but I am also overwhelmed that I could love a little boy so much and, surprisingly, that he could love me back.  Because he does.   I am overwhelmed that I have a family that loves me so much - and loves Aiden.  I am overwhelmed that I have tears left to cry at the end of the day when I am on my knees with my Heavenly Father praying for and about my son and our little insignificant life together.

I am overwhelmed, but I know that it will pass and I will look into Aiden's eyes in the morning and wonder why I was ever sad or frustrated.  And I will give him kisses and all will be right with the world again.