I'm a wreck...I mean, I was in a wreck...

Yes.  I was in a wreck.

First you must have the whole story.  It is 7am.  It is snowing and raining and cold.  I have Aiden with me today because he is going to be my work buddy for the day.  I stressed all the way to work with the weather being bad.  Buckled up.  Took it slow.  Signaled.

I get ready to turn into the parking lot at work and BAM!  Someone wasn't watching and backed out of his driveway right into my beautiful SUV.  Luckily, he wasn't hurt, I wasn't hurt, Aiden wasn't hurt - in fact he stayed asleep.  And the guy was really nice.  Called twice during the day to make sure Aiden and I are okay.

My poor poor car.

Why I love my boy

I love my son.  I love him more than I ever thought I could love another human being... more than anything in the world.  I spend every waking moment that I can with him - that I am not at work.  I spend every waking moment thinking about him, but still, is it enough?  In reading old Ensign magazine articles, I ran across a really great quote by Neil Maxwell:

"Parenting is not an exact science.  If it were, children would be perfect.  Our Heavenly Father knows each child and every parent.  Each family was preformed in the time before time.  We knew one another and formed bonds before this earth life.  The Lord knows you and your children more completely than you could hope to know yourself.  Each family is perfect for each person contained therein.  

As a parent you will, at times, fail.  It is inevitable and there is nothing to be done about it.  The Lord will help you on your journey to raising those children in the ways of the Lord's gospel.  When you try, you succeed.  If you fall, you must try again and again, but your attempts are not in vain.  The Lord knows you and your struggles.  Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  The eternities depend upon it."

I caved with the "crying it out" and found that I really love him waking in the night and giving me big slobbery kisses (while I am still sleeping).  I love that he likes to rub my face in the mornings.  I love hearing the squeals when he wakes up.  He is my boy.  He is my life.  I love him.  I love him so much!

So, then, why do I love my boy.  Here are just a few...

1. He is a happy baby

2. He has the best laugh

3. He is excited to see me - no makeup, un-showered and post gym... or when I am dolled up and look fabulous.

4. He likes to watch the pretty girls on my workout DVD.  Typical man

5.  He whacks his legs HARD when he is excited.  

6.  He shows his love of baby food by spitting it.  

7. He snuggles.

8.  He forgives me for letting him cry too long.

9. He goes to strangers

10. He is perfect.  Perfect for me.

Escape

We gave it the good ol' college try.  In our appointment with Dr. Martini (the pediatrician), she said it was time to move Aiden into his own bed.  I thought it would be a good idea to do it while Uncle Chris is in Virginia for a long weekend.  Saturday at 6pm, I finally gave in.  I tried.  I really did.

Friday was awful.  Today was worse.  Aiden just cries in his crib for hour after hour after hour until he throws up.  Then he will cry more and eventually fall asleep for 20 minutes MAX!  So, if I pick him up and sing, he will go to sleep within 3 minutes with no sounds except the traumatic hiccuping from his hours of screaming.  And with each hiccup, I feel more and more guilty.

So, we will continue to co-sleep and I will feel better about life.  I feel if I let him scream for hours on end, I will put him in therapy.  I feel if I let him co-sleep, I will put him in therapy.  Since I can't win, I will make his life (and mine) more bearable.  

Update:  it is now 8:30pm and Aiden has been solidly sleeping for over 2 hours.  All because Mom took pity and snuggled her baby boy.

His morning nap - finally falling asleep around 12:15.  Usually asleep by 9am.  

It looks like he is trying to escape.  Poor kid.

Trying to escape...

Doctor and Age of Aquarium

Aiden went to the doctor yesterday for his six month checkup... so (Drumroll....)  Here are the stats:

Height: 24 1/2 inches
Weight: 16 pounds
He is in the 30% on everything across the board.  The doc says he is great and healthy.  (Yay. )  She also said he is a "riot" and that everything looks great.

We also went to the aquarium today.  Aiden loved the fishies in the pediatrician's waiting room, so I thought... why not?  HE LOVED IT!  He would watch with rapt attention while the fish went back and forth.  His favorite was the octopus that would climb on the side of the tank and Aiden would squeal with laughter.  Then the octopus would fall and... SQUEAAAAAAAALLL!!!

One funny thing I saw there was a couple of elderly ladies.  Well, sort of ladies.... they were cross-dressed men (it was FAIRLY obvious) and they were so fun with the kids.  All the moms there were actually really accepting.

 However, Edna needs a new wig.  His is so 80's.  

Aiden looking in at the jellyfish.

Sitting and Sighing

Aide-o is sitting up by himself... well, okay.   Almost by himself.  He still tips over a lot, but is learning.

Mom is sighing.  Happy to see her baby getting so big.  Sad to see her baby getting so big.  But laughing all the way.

Funny Conversation

I had a funny conversation with a friend via email last night.  He has been a long time friend and is one of the only people in my world that can tell me what I need to hear without me getting defensive.  Here is the conversation - edited for space....

Him:  I read your blog.  All of a sudden you have will power and are all put together?  Whatever!  I bet your car is still a mess and you put on your mascara on the way to work.

Me:  Of course not!  I wait until I am in the parking lot at work to put on mascara!  And, yes, my car is a mess.  Thank you very much.  That was never one of my resolutions, you judgmental jerk.  :)

Him:  Tsk.  Tsk.  What about #4 (or maybe #5) when you said you wanted to be nicer and love and forgive.  That was crap.

Me:  That was specifically for my family.  You don't count.  I am trying hard.  Really hard.  Why won't you give me credit for the things I have done instead of bringing me down, man!

Him:  You are right.  All kidding aside, you have worked hard and I see a big change in you over the last year.  I am proud of you.  You are becoming a new you - version 2.0 Becki.  No, wait.  That isn't quite right. You don't break down nearly as often, you are getting less and less glitchy.  You are not upgrading.  You are changing from a PC to a Mac.  Good girl.  'Bout time.

Thanks, my friend.  You keep me sane.  Too bad you are 2300 miles away.  And old.   :)

Resolution Update

Well, well, well.

Two long weeks since New Years Day and the resolutions.  I heard on Oprah yesterday that all good intentions have a tendency to do this:  Day 1:  GREAT!   Day 2: yay!   Day 3: Back to old habits.

So, how are the resolutions doing so far?  Here is the lowdown...

Resolution #1) Health:  I have cooked at home with the exception of Sushi once (very healthy choices) and MacCools once (a healthy veggie frittata).  For those of you who don't know what MacCools is... SHAME!!!  It is my favorite restaurant in Layton and Salt Lake.  It is Irish food.  Potatoes, cheese, and meat.  Oh, man!  They don't have the healthiest choices, so finding something there to eat was a blessing!!!

AND! I have lost 8 pounds since January 1st.  (Now only 70000 more to go... *sigh*)

Resolution #2) Spirituality: The end of 2009, I finished reading the Book of Mormon.  It took me nearly 3 years to read it through.  BAD!  I thought it was a wonderful time to start over.   But this year, I resolved to do it slowly and really study.  Learn.  Not just read.  It is hard to do with a baby that doesn't sleep well without being held, but so far, I have not missed a night.  Sometimes it is just 5 or 6 verses before I have to stop, but it is something.  And I have found myself really feeling better about life. More optimistic, I think.  It is not just a religious thing.  It makes me less selfish.  A realization that there is a higher purpose and it is not all about my problems.  Some of the things in the scriptures are the same things I go through so it is easy to relate.

Resolution #3) Family:  This goal is more ambiguous.  It was about forgiveness of family and learning not to get upset when they judge, gossip, exclude, etc.  This one will take me a long time.  But the first thing I am working on is a saying my mother used to use:  "A fool takes offense when none was intended.  A bigger fool takes offense when it was intended."  I am trying.  Patience is not a virtue I pride myself in.

Resolution #4) Motherhood: This was the most fun I have had in making a goal.  I made a resolution to spend as much time with Aiden as possible.  It is not hard.  I love being with him.  I think this was a cheater goal so I wouldn't feel like a failure when the others didn't work out so well.  No problems.  I love this goal.

Resolution #5) Work:  This one is in limbo but I am working on it.  More to come by the end of the week...  I hope.

Resolution #6) Finances:  This last year pretty much drained my savings.  Unexpected expenses like medical bills have taken everything out of me.  But that is okay.  My financial goals are small, but worthwhile.  January goal was to cancel unneeded memberships (sorry, gym.  But I didn't go to you anyway...) and to eat from home or at home.  (This includes lunch at work... YIKES!)  So far... so good!

So that is it!  I feel like I am really working hard to change things - little things- for the better.  I found that I do very best when I can sit down Sunday night and regroup... evaluate... and focus on another week of hard personal goal work.

Notice that "Stopping Diet Pepsi" was not on the list.  Because that, my friends, is a goal I can't keep.