Saying Hello

Today I visited my best friend in the early morning before dawn.

I sat next to her and we enjoyed the silence together.  After a few quiet minutes, I talked.  She listened in that silent sympathy that is our relationship now.  I explained about Aiden and how he is growing and how I wish I knew what this little beautiful spirit is destined for.  Greatness, I hope.  I cried in grief and talked more.  She listened more.  I told her of leaving my messy house this morning for the daily grind.  And how that weighs on my heart.  The daily grind part and the missing her to talk to every day.  I talked of my visit to the Union Station with my son and how I went to the cafe and they had Hungarian Mushroom soup - like she and I used to order at least once a month.  And how I missed those days.   

And my wonderful best friend didn't say anything.  She just listened and let me cry big fat tears until my eyes were swollen and my nose stuffy.   She listened to my sobs as I remembered the day seven years ago today that we said goodbye and I was alone.  I told her that this time I had to come alone.   Next time, I would bring Aiden again to say hello, but the selfish me wanted to have her all to myself.  

In the early morning before the dawn.  Before the world was moving.  Before my day spirals into unimportant chaos.  

I miss you, Mom.  

Time heals all wounds... well, almost

This week is going to be full of busy work, messy house, and big hugemungous extended family campout with all my siblings and their children.  Annual days of chaos and campfire.  Awesome.  And I have so much to do.

But I came to work this morning earlier than usual and took just a moment to think.  Seven years ago this very week, the scene was much different.  My family was planning a family campout not far from where we will be going this year.  And no one wanted to go.

Seven years ago, my mother was close to dying.  I stood vigil with my siblings in the August heat and the roaming blackouts while my mother slowly, steadily prepared to make her final journey.  But being the stubborn woman that she was, she insisted that my siblings actually go camping because, "I am never going to die with people here staring at me."  I think, secretly, she wanted to give her family the opportunity to have one last gift - the gift of being in a beautiful place during a time of sadness.

But I was so selfish and I could not go with them.  I had been helping my mother for nearly a year and it was hard to break away from that calling.  My sister, Jodi, was there and together were able to be there for my mother.  My mom was so independent, she would not allow us to do much for her, but we did what she would let us do.

Time seemed to slow down that week.  Life came to a standstill and the days of summer just crawled by while we listened to my mother breathe, cough, struggle.   We were so blessed that in the early morning on August 5th, she passed on with the home quiet and the day just breaking.  Dustin bravely drove his ailing vehicle (that was ruined permanently by the trip) to tell the family at the campground.  I will forever have a sad soul the first week of August remembering my mother and losing my best friend.

CHOOOO CHOOOO

Today we worked HARD in the morning to get the house and car clean.  Grocery shopping, 3 loads of laundry, carpets cleaned, stove and oven cleaned - all by 9am.  Then Aiden took a nap.  After he woke up, we went to the Union Station in Ogden to check out the museums.   There are three in all.  And several art galleries.  

Aiden sitting inside a replica of a train car.  He thought it was awesome!!

Playing on the train cars.

Then, the car museum.  Sooooooo cool.  They had a 1939 Packard - the model of my grandfather's first real car.  So very interesting to see all of them.  This is a hood ornament from a 1930 Cadillac.

We did go to see the Browning Museum, but let's face it, I am not really into guns and I didn't really find anything interesting enough to take pics of.  Sorry, guys.

MAN!  I love this man.  We had a really fun day.

And we got our traditional squished penny souvenir. This makes 12 for this year.  

And an angry shout out to whoever is the sick-o who thinks it is really super funny to make a virus for a computer that pulls up really sick porn every time you try to open an application. Thanks for making me totally format and reinstall my hard drive.  Big jerk.

Terrified Mommy

One day this binkie will have to go.  

Sad Face.

For Mom as much as Baby.  

It will mean he is a big boy.  

The "Bink Era" has been good to us.  His friend, the binkie, has seen it all.  When the Swine Flu came to visit, Motrin-laced Binkie was there to make it all better.  Through three surgeries, countless falls, bruises, and hurt feelings, Mr. Binkie knows how to handle it.  Add the hugs and snuggles from Mom and his cousins and Aiden doesn't stand a chance at being sad.

Of the 1454 pictures of Aiden so far in his very short life, the majority of them have Mr. Binkie somewhere in the shot. It is the "Where's Waldo" of his childhood.  A running gag.  Maybe we should have nicknamed Mr. Binkie Waldo instead of Bink.

Binks have come in all shapes and sizes.  And slogans.  This one is to inform everyone, that, yes indeed, chicks do dig Aiden.  Always have.  Mom is afraid they always will.

No, they are not all the same binkie.  I replace, wash, sterilize on a regular basis.  From these pictures, you would think that he has existed with one binkie and one "binkie leash" his entire life.  

What will Mom do when the Bink Era has passed?  How will we settle down for the evening?  How will we plug the tears?  How will we mute the squeals during church?

All part of the growing process, I suppose.  Doesn't mean I have to like it!!

Thanks

There is a friend who knows me.  Really knows me.  Actually, I have many friends who know me well.  Some of those friends also happen to have been born into my very own family.  While some would call them relatives, they are much more than that.  They are truly my friends.

But this one friend.  He is not family.  Just a friend.  Not a sweetheart.  Just a friend.  And he can read my moods just from an innocent non-informative email.  And he knows he can call me on it and ask any question about any problem.  Any time.

I am so grateful for this friend who can tell me what I need to hear.  Sometimes it is a reprimand, sometimes it is soft words to help soothe a breaking heart, sometimes it is something so funny that I can't be down.  I am grateful for his insight because most likely, no matter what the problem is, he has not been there and does not understand and he knows it.  And he doesn't try to make me feel better or worse, just listens and gives a well-thought opinion.

I am grateful that today he decided to tell me that I was worth it... whatever it is.  Not a romantic way... in the way that I am worth something and, more importantly, I am worth something to someone.  He wants me around and to stay close to him as a friend.

And while I am still lonely and still overwhelmed and still feel unloved at times, it is enough.

Thank you, my friend.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Since I became a mom, here are some of my new-found amazing things that I could not do without!

My new kitchenaid mixer.  I use it for homemade bread every week, cookies, dips, sauces, vinaigrettes, EVERYTHING!!!  I have even used it to make a batch of laundry soap.

These are the new Gogurts that have no artificial sugar.  So, pop these bad boys in the freezer and when you are trying to cook dinner or fold laundry with a cranky one year old, give him one of these and he will be in HEAVEN!

My new favorite cleaning tool.  They have these fibers on the reverse side that scrub out anything.  They are awesome and smell lovely.

This saline is the best because it actually fits in baby's noses.  Many nights have become less sleepless thanks to this.

Swiffer anything.  I love the wetjet.  I love the duster.  And the furniture polish makes the house smell AWESOME!!

The best smelling lotion in the world.  Almond from The Body Shop.  

My new Kindle.  So far, I can read the biography of Thomas Jefferson, a Percy Jackson novel, Catching Fire, an Amelia Peabody novel, and the History of Man.  All at the same time.  (And all the classics are free to download.... yeeeaaaahhhh....)

Pioneer Weekend

We had such a relaxing, lovely holiday weekend.  We started off by sleeping in!!  Okay, so 7:00 is sleeping in for us, but I will take what I can get.  While everyone was at the Pioneer parades, we went grocery shopping.  Then we met Uncle Chris for a ride up to Huntsville for the monastery and the lake.

First, the monastery.  No pictures, but if you have not been there... go.  It is amazing and peaceful.  I am not a Catholic, but it is so amazing to see all the men that have given their lives in the service of God.  While I was there, I bought some honey.  Orange honey.  It is so good.  The monk in the store is Father Patrick.  I used to get honey at the monastery every week there when I lived in Eden.  And I missed it.

I was waiting in line, when Father Patrick looked up.  He said, "I know you!"   I replied that I used to live up there and came by often for honey.  He said, "It must have been five years ago."  (Actually, it was 6, but for an older man, he has a good memory).  He said, "You came in once a long time ago and I saw despair in your eyes.  I prayed for you for three days.  I lit a candle for you and prayed that God would ease your suffering."  And I teared up.  I replied that when I lived up in Eden, my mother had just passed away and I was mourning.  I told him it was the darkest, saddest time of my life.  He asked me if he could bless me.  I didn't know what that entailed, but I figure that even though I am not Catholic, God hears all the prayers of those who pray in faith and have good intentions.  He took one of my hands in both of his and said a prayer in Latin that I didn't understand.  Then he said, "May God's blessings go with you."    And I did feel blessed.  What an amazing man.

After the monastery, we went to Pineview.  It was crazy busy and crazy hot.  But we just needed to put our feet in the water and eat a little lunch and imbibe in a little Diet Pepsi.   Mister liked the water, but not the sand.

He is not fond of sand.  It got in his mouth and... other places....

We finished off the day with a barbecue at Smedleys house and a very quiet night.